First Single Father's Day

This was the first Father's Day without Mommy. It was a really special occasion for me because it was also the first time that I got to be with Gavin outside of his Kindercare. I was really excited to have him, but at the same time, it was really tough because I have never experienced something like this before (taking care of him without Mommy), and never imagined that things would be this way.

In the morning, we spent about 20 minutes playing at the park near Greenlake, since it was such a beautiful sunny day. Then we spent about an hour at the church nursery before Gavin started rubbing his eyes (ready for a nap). We went home and I setup his sleeping area to be soft and comfy, then I put him down for his nap. After he fell asleep, I was thinking of what to make him for lunch, preparing him some noodles, eggs, and soup, then a special serving of chocolate cream pie!

And then it dawned on me, and a sense of fear settled in: I am all alone in this 4-bedroom house with my baby son, and nobody is on their way home, coming back to help me. I didn't know what to do, or how I should be processing these feelings. So I thought to myself, "With the time, knowledge, and resources given to me, what is the best way to redeem the time for Gavin?"

It sooooo reminded me of when I lived at that house with my Grandpa years earlier. He made me sandwiches in the morning so I had food to eat on the way to UW. Else I would not concentrate well on my studies. It was awkward that my Grandpa made me sandwiches, and tried to take care of me without Grandma. I felt like I should be taking care of my Grandpa, yet he wanted to take care of me. And there was this presumption that he wasn't qualified to care for me without Grandma, but it didn't stop him.

After Gavin's nap from around 12 to 2:30PM, I gave him about 3 ounces of warm whole milk while I changed his diaper and prayed with him. Then I fed him a scrambled egg, and then some chocolate cream pie (he did not like the Cream of Mushroom soup, to my surprise). Then we played at home before heading to Meydenbauer Park in Bellevue.

Moving forward, this is how it must be: that our time spent together will be incomplete, but it is through these tough experiences that we learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Where we also learn that the world will betray us, deceive us, and leave us empty. But the Father's Love is sufficient and prevails.

That day was such an unusual experience, so joyful to be with Gavin, but so hurt that the context of our relationship is so foreign. So hurt that we must be apart. But I'm still confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to grow, learn, and change myself to become a better role model for him.