Too Cool for School

Gavin sporting Daddy's $10 sunglasses (cheap kiosk in the mall). Gavin can say "turtle" and "airplane" now. Here he is eating a cream cheese bagel, yummmmm!












Daddy is essentially back in school now (though I just finally finished my undergraduate degree at UW). So after work, I have class nearly every evening. And when I come home from class, I cannot rest, I must read. Schedule for this quarter:

• Mondays and Tuesdays - Work, Class1, read 20 pages of GMAT book


• Wednesdays - Work, no class!, read 20 pages


• Thursdays - Class1, Work, Class2, read 20 pages


• Fridays - Work, Class3, read 20 pages

I have set the goal of 20 pages per night because the GMAT book has 800 pages, I am on page 182, and there are only 7 weeks until the test. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't taking these 3 other classes (I calculated them to be the equivalent of 11 credits, or semester hours, excluding the GMAT studying). So with GMATs it's like a full load of credits, plus my day job (writing for 3 teams simultaneously). Whatever I didn't read during the week, I must read over the weekend.

But I strongly feel that apart from Gavin, studying is the best way to redeem my time. I wish I could see him everyday like before, but most likely I will see him roughly half the time (weekends and a weekday maybe), because that is what the world has deemed to be fair and equitable. And when it comes to Gavin, I'll take whatever I can get now.




Gavin's artwork captured with camera phone before home was sold.

I call this "Monochrome Crayola on Latex Partition - 2008".

Go ahead and click on the picture, I know you want to enlarge it.

Tattoo of Gavin's Name

I got Gavin's chinese name tattooed on my heart/chest. It is not the standard Classic, Pictorial, or Cursive style of chinese character (like an English font or typeface), but Traditional style.

These were taken with my cheap camera phone. Getting a tattoo felt like being branded (like an animal). Or a girl with long fingernails is scratching your skin for 35 minutes non-stop (not comfortable).

The tattoo needle works like a sewing machine needle, puncturing the surface of the skin/fabric at a really fast rate, but releasing a drop of ink with each hole instead of weaving a thread.

First Single Father's Day

This was the first Father's Day without Mommy. It was a really special occasion for me because it was also the first time that I got to be with Gavin outside of his Kindercare. I was really excited to have him, but at the same time, it was really tough because I have never experienced something like this before (taking care of him without Mommy), and never imagined that things would be this way.

In the morning, we spent about 20 minutes playing at the park near Greenlake, since it was such a beautiful sunny day. Then we spent about an hour at the church nursery before Gavin started rubbing his eyes (ready for a nap). We went home and I setup his sleeping area to be soft and comfy, then I put him down for his nap. After he fell asleep, I was thinking of what to make him for lunch, preparing him some noodles, eggs, and soup, then a special serving of chocolate cream pie!

And then it dawned on me, and a sense of fear settled in: I am all alone in this 4-bedroom house with my baby son, and nobody is on their way home, coming back to help me. I didn't know what to do, or how I should be processing these feelings. So I thought to myself, "With the time, knowledge, and resources given to me, what is the best way to redeem the time for Gavin?"

It sooooo reminded me of when I lived at that house with my Grandpa years earlier. He made me sandwiches in the morning so I had food to eat on the way to UW. Else I would not concentrate well on my studies. It was awkward that my Grandpa made me sandwiches, and tried to take care of me without Grandma. I felt like I should be taking care of my Grandpa, yet he wanted to take care of me. And there was this presumption that he wasn't qualified to care for me without Grandma, but it didn't stop him.

After Gavin's nap from around 12 to 2:30PM, I gave him about 3 ounces of warm whole milk while I changed his diaper and prayed with him. Then I fed him a scrambled egg, and then some chocolate cream pie (he did not like the Cream of Mushroom soup, to my surprise). Then we played at home before heading to Meydenbauer Park in Bellevue.

Moving forward, this is how it must be: that our time spent together will be incomplete, but it is through these tough experiences that we learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Where we also learn that the world will betray us, deceive us, and leave us empty. But the Father's Love is sufficient and prevails.

That day was such an unusual experience, so joyful to be with Gavin, but so hurt that the context of our relationship is so foreign. So hurt that we must be apart. But I'm still confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to grow, learn, and change myself to become a better role model for him.

It's All Over

My crush has crushed me for good. Thanks for all your support, and please keep Gavin in your prayers.

Parting Pics

These were taken about a week before Mommy and Daddy split. :(

First Sight After 3 Weeks

Just had to post this before I forgot how meaningful this memory was...

After Grace abandoned me on March 7, 2008 and took my precious Gavin away, I didn't get a chance to lay my eyes on him until 3 weeks later when I visited him at his daycare on March 31, 2008.

On that morning Grace informed me that at his daycare, his class has "recess" (outdoor play) starting around 2:30PM. So I arrived around 2PM, just in case they got out earlier. However, I waited outside until 3:30PM, and still no sign of any kids outside. So I went to the office to inquire, and they told me that the infants/toddlers had just waken up from their nap, and were almost done eating their snacks.

So I went back to my car to study my GMAT book until I saw kids come outside. Finally, they came out. So I got out of my car and approached the fence (Grace neglected to add me to the visitor/guest list, so I was not permitted inside the grounds). I did not see Gavin anywhere, while there must have been 15 other kids playing outside.

Once I got to the fence, I saw a kid that looked a little bit like Gavin, but he was facing the other direction and I couldn't tell for sure if it was him, because I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks! (and his hair seemed lighter in color than what I remember, as I was only seeing the back of him)

So I whispered, "Pssst!" to get his attention, but he didn't hear me. So I said, "Gavin" and he turned around. It was the first time that we had laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks. At this time, he was about 7 or 8 feet away from the fence. He only turned his head (almost 180 degrees), but he didn't move his feet or position his body to face me (he was probably stunned and confused).

We stood there looking at each other in silence for about 30 seconds, not knowing what to do because of utter confusion (neither of us really understood what had occurred in the last 3 weeks). Neither of us knew how to react and respond, since the context of our relationship had been disrupted/became so foreign.

I really wanted to see him smile and laugh, so I jumped up and down and tapped my feet like a clown, which previously would have made him laugh without fail. But this time, he just stood there confused, no smile or reaction whatsoever.

Finally I said, "Come here" and he was so very impressively obedient, and approached the fence. He was about 2 feet away from the fence when I knelt down to take a closer look at him. But after I knelt down, he wouldn't make eye contact anymore, which weakened my emotions to the extent that I couldn't hold back the tears. For me, this confirmed that the breakup was as hard/painful/traumatic for him as it was for me. And the last thing that I wanted was for him to hang his head in shame, as if it was his fault (maybe it was his innocence that broke me).

I reached through the fence and pulled him closer to me, and I told him that I Love him more than anything. I told him that I miss him more than anyone or anything I've ever missed in my life. Then I stroked his head/hair and rubbed his tummy. As I did so, he took one of his tiny cute hands and grasped the fence. And I couldn't help myself but to kiss the four tiny little fingers that were exposed on my side of the fence.

After leaving the daycare, I completely lost it: I weeped on the entire 40-minute drive home. It reminded me somewhat of when I was a toddler, and got lost in a supermarket. Either I had wandered off from my Mom, or she lost track of me. Either way, she was nowhere in sight. Finally an extremely kind African American woman picked me up and comforted me (she must have seen the panic on my face). And I remember being very curious as to where my Mom was, and I never cried. Until I was finally reunited with my Mom, then I cried extremely hard (maybe it was only then, that I realized what I had been missing).

But now I see that it was a blessing in disguise, because Grace's selfish, greedy, and wicked actions only gave me the motivation to grow, learn, and overcome. And today, I am at the top of my game.

Here is how it went down (from my email to Grace after the visit):

FYI: I saw Gavin earlier today. I didn't want you to get mad later if you found out some other way. He didn't smile, he seemed really confused, I even tapped my feet like dancing, and held my arms up and bounced up and down, but he never smiled. I don't think he recognized me, I'm vaguely familiar, but he was very very shy towards me.

It hurt a little, actually a lot, but I'm still glad I went there. At least I got to touch him thru the fence, and kiss his hand that was grabbing the fence, and stroke his hair/head (I went to the gate part, where there was a bigger opening between the fence).

Let me know if this is wrong, and you don't want me to stop-by and see him. I am okay with it, I would never make it a weekly thing (especially with school and other classes now), but maybe bi-weekly or just monthly...

Orcas Island Retreat

Family picture aboard the San Juan Island ferry.

Gavin having a good time aboard the ferry.

Gavin enjoying some Bugles.

Gavin and Mommy looking out the window on the ferry.

Our tiny 2 bedroom cabin, complete with kitchen, full bath, dining area, and enough room to sleep 8!

The dining area.

Our bedroom where we put our luggage and bags on the bunk beds, and slept on the Queen size.

The bathroom.

A shot of the 2nd bedroom, complete with double bunk bed and futon. This room sleeps 4, but we setup Gavin's playpen as a crib for him to sleep alone, just like a big boy.

Gavin at play.

Here we are at Doe Bay. Look at how green the water is!

Gavin getting smothered by Mommy.

Gavin and Mommy at Doe Bay.

Stopping for a picture in Eastsound.

How beautiful! The water looks like glass...

Tiny Gavin in the grand music room.

The view from a guest room.

The view from the dining room.

Such a beautiful view!

Posing for a shot from Rosario Resort.

Gavin and Daddy taking in the view of Cascade Bay.

Gavin is enjoying some ear candy here with Mommy's iPod Touch, which was Daddy's Christmas present to her. Look at the bling on Mommy's finger, you could trade that thing for a car!

A view of houses on the hill overlooking Cascade Bay. This shot was taken from Rosario Resort, where we had a yummy breakfast buffet while overlooking the water.

A tranquil view of a quiet beach.

Stylin' G

Our robotic vacuum does the job.

My new hat from Grandma.