Here is Gavin wearing his cute protective helmet and knee pads. We tore it up!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Grandma's Birthday
Here is a family picture taken during Grandma's birthday-brunch at Salish Lodge (overlooking Snoqualmie Falls).
Aboard the Ferry
Here is a picture of Gavin and Grandma aboard the ferry to Bainbridge Island, where we went after brunch.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
2 Minutes of Toprock b-Boy
Just messin' around and being wacky..
55 seconds of cardio training/jump-roping:
Catching some frontside air:
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Fatherhood
Well, it’s been 3 weeks since I posted anything. So now I will unload some thoughts and reflections from the past 4 months. In March, after I lost my precious son Gavin, I got trashed every night until 4 or 5 AM. I stayed up until I could not physically stay awake any longer. I despised sleep, knowing that in the morning my emotions would give way to tears because my precious son and wife were gone. My home was lifeless. My life was absolutely empty beyond despair. How deeply I grieved that somehow my God would take away the agony.
When I found some quiet time to think about what transpired, I found myself thinking about my precious son. In fact, he was all I could think about. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Instead of beating myself up over the past, I started to focus on the future. What would become of him in 5 years time, then 10, then 20? Would he be a young Doctor or Lawyer? Or a suffering criminal? What type of example am I setting? So I chose to take personal responsibility for my share of the problems. I could have played the victim role instead: rationalizing, externalizing, and blaming others for what happened (as most others do). I could have asked my God:
In my inherently imperfect and corrupted nature, I proclaim my guiltiness. If I am to set a good example for my son, then I must overcome my lack of discipline and self control. The life of a precious boy hangs in suspense for how this maturing Father applies the learnings in response to life's circumstances.
The Learnings
I have also come to realize that faith demonstrated, is a man transformed. Where I once had a glamorous and secure job as a full-time employee at Microsoft, including a window office all to myself that overlooked a courtyard with a flowing man-made waterfall, now I accept that I am a worthless, divorced, temperamental, rehabilitated, single Father who contracts at Microsoft, sharing a non-window office with 2 other guys. For all intents and purposes, I am a dead man (with nice Adidas on my feet :).
But I praise my God for this crisis. For it is through this emptiness that He came and filled me. When I began to seek Him, He began to work in and around me. Though I was disobedient and distant from Him, He refused to leave me by the wayside. He led me not to self-pity, kicking myself and burying my head in the sand, but to recognize this opportunity to grow and overcome. He purposely devised these events so that I had absolutely nothing: nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. He gave me no way out, no matter where I looked, so that my only option was to look up (towards heaven). For I believe that He predestined in me a person of unusual strength and courage. Through this episode of adversity, He is refining me to be an effective instrument that drives His purpose to prevail. I learned that it's only natural to struggle in times of affliction, because one cannot foresee the results of his present suffering.
My precious Gavin, in response to the circumstances in my life, I hope you sense how genuine is the Father’s Love. Just as He willingly sacrificed His precious son to pre-pay for our corruption, so I will imitate the example set forth by the Author and Perfector of my faith. I shall similarly sacrifice myself, and deny myself, and carry the disgrace of being a divorced, single Father. While the devil takes credit for you and looks good to others by distorting the truth, I bear the condemnation so that you might be accepted. I acknowledge the dishonor and absorb the death to my pride, so that you might have dignity and a good life.
In the last few months, I have grown somewhat accustomed to being apart from Gavin, painfully. The parallels between our Heavenly Father and a worldly father are striking: where we once had unrestricted access to His Love, we now have only to cherish the limited access we might be blessed with. On a day-to-day basis, Gavin is my God: someone that I can't physically see, touch, or feel, but I know he is there, watching my every step, and holding me accountable for the things entrusted to me. And this is the definition of faith: believing in something intangible that you can't see, touch, or feel.
In the recent weeks, God has also revealed to me that it doesn't matter how many books I read in the Bible, it doesn't matter how many verses I memorize, it doesn't matter how many sermons I attend, for it is not through knowledge and understanding, but through experience that God reveals the extent of His Love for us. This is NOT to say that I shall abandon those things, but that I should acknowledge those things as being only the surface (or "tip of the iceberg"). The real and lasting impact comes when I step outside the congregation, and return to the context of my daily life. I must constantly seek out opportunities to apply the learnings in my life.
Moving Forward
A few people asked me if I have found a new romantic interest, but I am soooo not ready for a relationship. The last heartbreaker taught me that women would foolishly exchange a good and lasting home for a season of pleasure. My dear friends and family members must understand that now, the only person I care to impress is Gavin. It is imperative that I surrender to my God, who is refining me in the fire, so that my actions moving forward might help to redeem Gavin's precious life. For the disgusting role model that I had previously set, I must make atonement. Now I know that the things I do today essentially dictate what becomes of Gavin when he reaches my age.
Indeed, precious Gavin will learn to exercise discretion, to discern truth from falsehood, to seek and to lean on the unfailing source of strength and wisdom derived from God. While a person needs no teaching to respond to what is visible and tangible, I will lead precious Gavin by example, to deny himself and make sacrifices for the greater good: to see that true meaning is found in the unseen. Because I know that as Gavin gets older, he will not listen to a word I say, but simply do as I do. Leadership is driven and substantiated through example.
I vow to teach precious Gavin to set himself apart from this temporary world. Because the world is deceitful, shallow, superficial, materialistic, and self-centered. But God's truth is eternal, unchanging, and His Love is infinitely deep. His Spirit is selfless: he denies himself of worldly pleasures, and sacrifices what pleases himself in order to do what is pleasing to God. We know that anything outwardly visible is meaningless to God because He judges our hearts. So I will instruct and guide Gavin to avoid the temptations of this instantly-gratifying society, to overcome our natural tendencies of being greedy and self-seeking.
If my suffering produces fruit, I will show the rewards of delayed gratification. For one who applies himself in studies and humbles himself builds knowledge and wisdom. With discipline and consistency over time, he builds his character to become a person of far greater contribution than those who only know how to use others for their own advantage. Now I seek to make God not only my center, but also my circumference. So that others would be attracted and drawn to know my God, because of the work He has accomplished in me. For the objective is to have a spiritual character that reflects God's qualities instead of my own corruption. I am fully confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to learn, grow, and change myself to become a good role model for my son.
Thank You for taking the time to read my random rambles.
When I found some quiet time to think about what transpired, I found myself thinking about my precious son. In fact, he was all I could think about. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Instead of beating myself up over the past, I started to focus on the future. What would become of him in 5 years time, then 10, then 20? Would he be a young Doctor or Lawyer? Or a suffering criminal? What type of example am I setting? So I chose to take personal responsibility for my share of the problems. I could have played the victim role instead: rationalizing, externalizing, and blaming others for what happened (as most others do). I could have asked my God:
- Why must this happen to me?
- Wasn’t I faithful and devoted to my family?
- Didn't I respond with Love and faithfulness for each time that I felt I was being treated unfairly?
- Didn’t I reflect Your Love and accept people nonetheless, in hope that they would eventually acknowledge the extent of my Love?
- Why have you turned Your favor against me?”
In my inherently imperfect and corrupted nature, I proclaim my guiltiness. If I am to set a good example for my son, then I must overcome my lack of discipline and self control. The life of a precious boy hangs in suspense for how this maturing Father applies the learnings in response to life's circumstances.
The Learnings
I have also come to realize that faith demonstrated, is a man transformed. Where I once had a glamorous and secure job as a full-time employee at Microsoft, including a window office all to myself that overlooked a courtyard with a flowing man-made waterfall, now I accept that I am a worthless, divorced, temperamental, rehabilitated, single Father who contracts at Microsoft, sharing a non-window office with 2 other guys. For all intents and purposes, I am a dead man (with nice Adidas on my feet :).
But I praise my God for this crisis. For it is through this emptiness that He came and filled me. When I began to seek Him, He began to work in and around me. Though I was disobedient and distant from Him, He refused to leave me by the wayside. He led me not to self-pity, kicking myself and burying my head in the sand, but to recognize this opportunity to grow and overcome. He purposely devised these events so that I had absolutely nothing: nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. He gave me no way out, no matter where I looked, so that my only option was to look up (towards heaven). For I believe that He predestined in me a person of unusual strength and courage. Through this episode of adversity, He is refining me to be an effective instrument that drives His purpose to prevail. I learned that it's only natural to struggle in times of affliction, because one cannot foresee the results of his present suffering.
My precious Gavin, in response to the circumstances in my life, I hope you sense how genuine is the Father’s Love. Just as He willingly sacrificed His precious son to pre-pay for our corruption, so I will imitate the example set forth by the Author and Perfector of my faith. I shall similarly sacrifice myself, and deny myself, and carry the disgrace of being a divorced, single Father. While the devil takes credit for you and looks good to others by distorting the truth, I bear the condemnation so that you might be accepted. I acknowledge the dishonor and absorb the death to my pride, so that you might have dignity and a good life.
In the last few months, I have grown somewhat accustomed to being apart from Gavin, painfully. The parallels between our Heavenly Father and a worldly father are striking: where we once had unrestricted access to His Love, we now have only to cherish the limited access we might be blessed with. On a day-to-day basis, Gavin is my God: someone that I can't physically see, touch, or feel, but I know he is there, watching my every step, and holding me accountable for the things entrusted to me. And this is the definition of faith: believing in something intangible that you can't see, touch, or feel.
In the recent weeks, God has also revealed to me that it doesn't matter how many books I read in the Bible, it doesn't matter how many verses I memorize, it doesn't matter how many sermons I attend, for it is not through knowledge and understanding, but through experience that God reveals the extent of His Love for us. This is NOT to say that I shall abandon those things, but that I should acknowledge those things as being only the surface (or "tip of the iceberg"). The real and lasting impact comes when I step outside the congregation, and return to the context of my daily life. I must constantly seek out opportunities to apply the learnings in my life.
Moving Forward
A few people asked me if I have found a new romantic interest, but I am soooo not ready for a relationship. The last heartbreaker taught me that women would foolishly exchange a good and lasting home for a season of pleasure. My dear friends and family members must understand that now, the only person I care to impress is Gavin. It is imperative that I surrender to my God, who is refining me in the fire, so that my actions moving forward might help to redeem Gavin's precious life. For the disgusting role model that I had previously set, I must make atonement. Now I know that the things I do today essentially dictate what becomes of Gavin when he reaches my age.
Indeed, precious Gavin will learn to exercise discretion, to discern truth from falsehood, to seek and to lean on the unfailing source of strength and wisdom derived from God. While a person needs no teaching to respond to what is visible and tangible, I will lead precious Gavin by example, to deny himself and make sacrifices for the greater good: to see that true meaning is found in the unseen. Because I know that as Gavin gets older, he will not listen to a word I say, but simply do as I do. Leadership is driven and substantiated through example.
I vow to teach precious Gavin to set himself apart from this temporary world. Because the world is deceitful, shallow, superficial, materialistic, and self-centered. But God's truth is eternal, unchanging, and His Love is infinitely deep. His Spirit is selfless: he denies himself of worldly pleasures, and sacrifices what pleases himself in order to do what is pleasing to God. We know that anything outwardly visible is meaningless to God because He judges our hearts. So I will instruct and guide Gavin to avoid the temptations of this instantly-gratifying society, to overcome our natural tendencies of being greedy and self-seeking.
If my suffering produces fruit, I will show the rewards of delayed gratification. For one who applies himself in studies and humbles himself builds knowledge and wisdom. With discipline and consistency over time, he builds his character to become a person of far greater contribution than those who only know how to use others for their own advantage. Now I seek to make God not only my center, but also my circumference. So that others would be attracted and drawn to know my God, because of the work He has accomplished in me. For the objective is to have a spiritual character that reflects God's qualities instead of my own corruption. I am fully confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to learn, grow, and change myself to become a good role model for my son.
Thank You for taking the time to read my random rambles.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Toys
Here are my toys/rides: 2006 Lexus GS300 All Wheel Drive with 20-inch wheels wrapped in Yokohama S-Drive tires (size 245/35/20).And also my new 2008 Yamaha R6 motorcycle, on which I just installed a new Yoshimura bolt-on exhaust.
Here is my goal/project, but not really. I just had to post this car because it looks so tight. I wouldn't want to compromise the comfort of my ride so excessively, even though this is such a beautifully-clean, custom job.
Here is a clearer shot of my motorcycle. The exhaust took me about an hour to install because I'm not much of a mechanic.
I bought a torque wrench for the job so the sleeve could be tightened with precision (I didn't want to crack the header, nor did I want the exhaust to fly off while I'm riding!).
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Too Cool for School
Gavin sporting Daddy's $10 sunglasses (cheap kiosk in the mall). Gavin can say "turtle" and "airplane" now. Here he is eating a cream cheese bagel, yummmmm!
Daddy is essentially back in school now (though I just finally finished my undergraduate degree at UW). So after work, I have class nearly every evening. And when I come home from class, I cannot rest, I must read. Schedule for this quarter:
- Mondays and Tuesdays - Work, Class1, read 20 pages of GMAT book
- Wednesdays - Work, no class!, read 20 pages
- Thursdays - Class1, Work, Class2, read 20 pages
- Fridays - Work, Class3, read 20 pages
I have set the goal of 20 pages per night because the GMAT book has 800 pages, I am on page 182, and there are only 7 weeks until the test. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't taking these 3 other classes (I calculated them to be the equivalent of 11 credits, or semester hours, excluding the GMAT studying). So with GMATs it's like a full load of credits, plus my day job (writing for 3 teams simultaneously). Whatever I didn't read during the week, I must read over the weekend.
But I strongly feel that apart from Gavin, studying is the best way to redeem my time. I wish I could see him everyday like before, but most likely I will see him roughly half the time (weekends and a weekday maybe), because that is what the world has deemed to be fair and equitable. And when it comes to Gavin, I'll take whatever I can get now.
Gavin's artwork captured with camera phone before home was sold.
I call this "Monochrome Crayola on Latex Partition - 2008".
Go ahead and click on the picture, I know you want to enlarge it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Tattoo of Gavin's Name
I got Gavin's chinese name tattooed on my heart/chest. It is not the standard Classic, Pictorial, or Cursive style of chinese character (like an English font or typeface), but Traditional style.
These were taken with my cheap camera phone. Getting a tattoo felt like being branded (like an animal). Or a girl with long fingernails is scratching your skin for 35 minutes non-stop (not comfortable).
The tattoo needle works like a sewing machine needle, puncturing the surface of the skin/fabric at a really fast rate, but releasing a drop of ink with each hole instead of weaving a thread.
Monday, June 16, 2008
First Single Father's Day
This was the first Father's Day without Mommy. It was a really special occasion for me because it was also the first time that I got to be with Gavin outside of his Kindercare. I was really excited to have him, but at the same time, it was really tough because I have never experienced something like this before (taking care of him without Mommy), and never imagined that things would be this way.
In the morning, we spent about 20 minutes playing at the park near Greenlake, since it was such a beautiful sunny day. Then we spent about an hour at the church nursery before Gavin started rubbing his eyes (ready for a nap). We went home and I setup his sleeping area to be soft and comfy, then I put him down for his nap. After he fell asleep, I was thinking of what to make him for lunch, preparing him some noodles, eggs, and soup, then a special serving of chocolate cream pie!
And then it dawned on me, and a sense of fear settled in: I am all alone in this 4-bedroom house with my baby son, and nobody is on their way home, coming back to help me. I didn't know what to do, or how I should be processing these feelings. So I thought to myself, "With the time, knowledge, and resources given to me, what is the best way to redeem the time for Gavin?"
It sooooo reminded me of when I lived at that house with my Grandpa years earlier. He made me sandwiches in the morning so I had food to eat on the way to UW. Else I would not concentrate well on my studies. It was awkward that my Grandpa made me sandwiches, and tried to take care of me without Grandma. I felt like I should be taking care of my Grandpa, yet he wanted to take care of me. And there was this presumption that he wasn't qualified to care for me without Grandma, but it didn't stop him.
After Gavin's nap from around 12 to 2:30PM, I gave him about 3 ounces of warm whole milk while I changed his diaper and prayed with him. Then I fed him a scrambled egg, and then some chocolate cream pie (he did not like the Cream of Mushroom soup, to my surprise). Then we played at home before heading to Meydenbauer Park in Bellevue.
Moving forward, this is how it must be: that our time spent together will be incomplete, but it is through these tough experiences that we learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Where we also learn that the world will betray us, deceive us, and leave us empty. But the Father's Love is sufficient and prevails.
That day was such an unusual experience, so joyful to be with Gavin, but so hurt that the context of our relationship is so foreign. So hurt that we must be apart. But I'm still confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to grow, learn, and change myself to become a better role model for him.
In the morning, we spent about 20 minutes playing at the park near Greenlake, since it was such a beautiful sunny day. Then we spent about an hour at the church nursery before Gavin started rubbing his eyes (ready for a nap). We went home and I setup his sleeping area to be soft and comfy, then I put him down for his nap. After he fell asleep, I was thinking of what to make him for lunch, preparing him some noodles, eggs, and soup, then a special serving of chocolate cream pie!
And then it dawned on me, and a sense of fear settled in: I am all alone in this 4-bedroom house with my baby son, and nobody is on their way home, coming back to help me. I didn't know what to do, or how I should be processing these feelings. So I thought to myself, "With the time, knowledge, and resources given to me, what is the best way to redeem the time for Gavin?"
It sooooo reminded me of when I lived at that house with my Grandpa years earlier. He made me sandwiches in the morning so I had food to eat on the way to UW. Else I would not concentrate well on my studies. It was awkward that my Grandpa made me sandwiches, and tried to take care of me without Grandma. I felt like I should be taking care of my Grandpa, yet he wanted to take care of me. And there was this presumption that he wasn't qualified to care for me without Grandma, but it didn't stop him.
After Gavin's nap from around 12 to 2:30PM, I gave him about 3 ounces of warm whole milk while I changed his diaper and prayed with him. Then I fed him a scrambled egg, and then some chocolate cream pie (he did not like the Cream of Mushroom soup, to my surprise). Then we played at home before heading to Meydenbauer Park in Bellevue.
Moving forward, this is how it must be: that our time spent together will be incomplete, but it is through these tough experiences that we learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Where we also learn that the world will betray us, deceive us, and leave us empty. But the Father's Love is sufficient and prevails.
That day was such an unusual experience, so joyful to be with Gavin, but so hurt that the context of our relationship is so foreign. So hurt that we must be apart. But I'm still confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to grow, learn, and change myself to become a better role model for him.
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