2 Minutes of Toprock b-Boy

Just messin' around and being wacky..

55 seconds of cardio training/jump-roping:

Catching some frontside air:

Fatherhood

Well, it’s been 3 weeks since I posted anything. So now I will unload some thoughts and reflections from the past 4 months. In March, after I lost my precious son Gavin, I got trashed every night until 4 or 5 AM. I stayed up until I could not physically stay awake any longer. I despised sleep, knowing that in the morning my emotions would give way to tears because my precious son and wife were gone. My home was lifeless. My life was absolutely empty beyond despair. How deeply I grieved that somehow my God would take away the agony.

When I found some quiet time to think about what transpired, I found myself thinking about my precious son. In fact, he was all I could think about. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Instead of beating myself up over the past, I started to focus on the future. What would become of him in 5 years time, then 10, then 20? Would he be a young Doctor or Lawyer? Or a suffering criminal? What type of example am I setting? So I chose to take personal responsibility for my share of the problems. I could have played the victim role instead: rationalizing, externalizing, and blaming others for what happened (as most others do). I could have asked my God:

• Why must this happen to me?
• Wasn’t I faithful and devoted to my family?
• Didn't I respond with Love and faithfulness for each time that I felt I was being treated unfairly?
• Didn’t I reflect Your Love and accept people nonetheless, in hope that they would eventually acknowledge the extent of my Love?
• Why have you turned Your favor against me?”

I have come to realize that God is the one who gives, and God is the one who takes away [evidence here]. I was a spoiled brat, I always got what I wanted. I was a selfishly-poor role model. I used my God-given talent and resources for myself instead of growing them for His purpose. Now, to show my son what it takes to be a real man, I choose not to blame and deny but take personal responsibility for my iniquities.

In my inherently imperfect and corrupted nature, I proclaim my guiltiness. If I am to set a good example for my son, then I must overcome my lack of discipline and self control. The life of a precious boy hangs in suspense for how this maturing Father applies the learnings in response to life's circumstances.

The Learnings
I have also come to realize that faith demonstrated, is a man transformed. Where I once had a glamorous and secure job as a full-time employee at Microsoft, including a window office all to myself that overlooked a courtyard with a flowing man-made waterfall, now I accept that I am a worthless, divorced, temperamental, rehabilitated, single Father who contracts at Microsoft, sharing a non-window office with 2 other guys. For all intents and purposes, I am a dead man (with nice Adidas on my feet :).

But I praise my God for this crisis. For it is through this emptiness that He came and filled me. When I began to seek Him, He began to work in and around me. Though I was disobedient and distant from Him, He refused to leave me by the wayside. He led me not to self-pity, kicking myself and burying my head in the sand, but to recognize this opportunity to grow and overcome. He purposely devised these events so that I had absolutely nothing: nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. He gave me no way out, no matter where I looked, so that my only option was to look up (towards heaven). For I believe that He predestined in me a person of unusual strength and courage. Through this episode of adversity, He is refining me to be an effective instrument that drives His purpose to prevail. I learned that it's only natural to struggle in times of affliction, because one cannot foresee the results of his present suffering.

My precious Gavin, in response to the circumstances in my life, I hope you sense how genuine is the Father’s Love. Just as He willingly sacrificed His precious son to pre-pay for our corruption, so I will imitate the example set forth by the Author and Perfector of my faith. I shall similarly sacrifice myself, and deny myself, and carry the disgrace of being a divorced, single Father. While the devil takes credit for you and looks good to others by distorting the truth, I bear the condemnation so that you might be accepted. I acknowledge the dishonor and absorb the death to my pride, so that you might have dignity and a good life.

In the last few months, I have grown somewhat accustomed to being apart from Gavin, painfully. The parallels between our Heavenly Father and a worldly father are striking: where we once had unrestricted access to His Love, we now have only to cherish the limited access we might be blessed with. On a day-to-day basis, Gavin is my God: someone that I can't physically see, touch, or feel, but I know he is there, watching my every step, and holding me accountable for the things entrusted to me. And this is the definition of faith: believing in something intangible that you can't see, touch, or feel.

In the recent weeks, God has also revealed to me that it doesn't matter how many books I read in the Bible, it doesn't matter how many verses I memorize, it doesn't matter how many sermons I attend, for it is not through knowledge and understanding, but through experience that God reveals the extent of His Love for us. This is NOT to say that I shall abandon those things, but that I should acknowledge those things as being only the surface (or "tip of the iceberg"). The real and lasting impact comes when I step outside the congregation, and return to the context of my daily life. I must constantly seek out opportunities to apply the learnings in my life.

Moving Forward
A few people asked me if I have found a new romantic interest, but I am soooo not ready for a relationship. The last heartbreaker taught me that women would foolishly exchange a good and lasting home for a season of pleasure. My dear friends and family members must understand that now, the only person I care to impress is Gavin. It is imperative that I surrender to my God, who is refining me in the fire, so that my actions moving forward might help to redeem Gavin's precious life. For the disgusting role model that I had previously set, I must make atonement. Now I know that the things I do today essentially dictate what becomes of Gavin when he reaches my age.

Indeed, precious Gavin will learn to exercise discretion, to discern truth from falsehood, to seek and to lean on the unfailing source of strength and wisdom derived from God. While a person needs no teaching to respond to what is visible and tangible, I will lead precious Gavin by example, to deny himself and make sacrifices for the greater good: to see that true meaning is found in the unseen. Because I know that as Gavin gets older, he will not listen to a word I say, but simply do as I do. Leadership is driven and substantiated through example.

I vow to teach precious Gavin to set himself apart from this temporary world. Because the world is deceitful, shallow, superficial, materialistic, and self-centered. But God's truth is eternal, unchanging, and His Love is infinitely deep. His Spirit is selfless: he denies himself of worldly pleasures, and sacrifices what pleases himself in order to do what is pleasing to God. We know that anything outwardly visible is meaningless to God because He judges our hearts. So I will instruct and guide Gavin to avoid the temptations of this instantly-gratifying society, to overcome our natural tendencies of being greedy and self-seeking.

If my suffering produces fruit, I will show the rewards of delayed gratification. For one who applies himself in studies and humbles himself builds knowledge and wisdom. With discipline and consistency over time, he builds his character to become a person of far greater contribution than those who only know how to use others for their own advantage. Now I seek to make God not only my center, but also my circumference. So that others would be attracted and drawn to know my God, because of the work He has accomplished in me. For the objective is to have a spiritual character that reflects God's qualities instead of my own corruption. I am fully confident that without this experience, I would not have the motivation to learn, grow, and change myself to become a good role model for my son.

Thank You for taking the time to read my random rambles.

Daycare Visit

Here is Daddy visiting Gavin at his daycare.

Toys

Here are my toys/rides: 2006 Lexus GS300 All Wheel Drive with 20-inch wheels wrapped in Yokohama S-Drive tires (size 245/35/20).

And also my new 2008 Yamaha R6 motorcycle, on which I just installed a new Yoshimura bolt-on exhaust.


Here is my goal/project, but not really. I just had to post this car because it looks so tight. I wouldn't want to compromise the comfort of my ride so excessively, even though this is such a beautifully-clean, custom job.

Here is a clearer shot of my motorcycle. The exhaust took me about an hour to install because I'm not much of a mechanic.

I bought a torque wrench for the job so the sleeve could be tightened with precision (I didn't want to crack the header, nor did I want the exhaust to fly off while I'm riding!).

Close-up shot of the Yoshimura exhaust.

Shot of the odometer when I picked up the bike.


Here is my precious boy. I ordered a set of baseball cards from Nestle, who had a promotion with Topps baseball cards where you can upload pictures to make fun, customized baseball cards.